Reflections on Empathy
I recently completed two degrees in Psychotherapy.
- Masters in Psychotherapy and Counselling
- Graduate Diploma in Gestalt Psychotherapy
Both of those trainings involved a heap of self examination and enquiry, group therapy, individual therapy and practicing to be a therapist with clients. I could not help but gain insights, new understandings, changes to how I see myself and myself in the world. I hope to share some of those here.
What is empathy?
“Empathy is the ability to emotionally understand what other people feel, see things from their point of view, and imagine yourself in their place. Essentially, it is putting yourself in someone else's position and feeling what they are feeling.”
- Quote taken from VeryWellMind.com
In my experience and opinion, empathy is something we all want. Empathy can bring deep connection and intimacy with our fellow humans and with nature.
However, we sometimes (myself included):
have trouble receiving it
don’t know how to give it
don’t even know what it is
misfire and land with sympathy instead
Why is it so hard?
Let’s circle back to the definition again… empathy is “putting yourself in someone else's position and feeling what they are feeling”. WOAH. Take a few deep breaths and take that in for a minute. Maybe some questions come up for you.
Here are some I had and still have:
What if the other person is feeling really angry and anger is a scary emotion for me? What if the other person is crying and I don’t/can’t/am afraid to cry? What if I just don’t want to feel anxious in this moment in time and the other person is really wound up?
See how it can get a bit tricky? Before we go any further, I want to validate myself and whoever is reading this that those are ok and perfectly normal questions. Sometimes empathy may be a bit much in certain circumstances and instances. Also, we’re going to mess it up, guaranteed. BUT THAT’S OKAY!
So let’s say the circumstances are such that you’re feeling like you can handle trying on some empathy for size. Now what?
How to express and practice empathy:
This is my way of doing it, in my own words and language. It is based on my own desire for empathy and lack of receiving it when I so wanted it so badly, in so many instances in my life. You’ll find your own way that is uniquely you.
Once, during a group therapy session at school, I was crying and lamenting that no one understood how difficult it was that I was struggling to conceive my now son, Lucas. In my anguish, I reached out to the group and said I don’t even know how to ask for what I want from other people. Que twelve amazing psychotherapy students explaining empathy to me. My favourite of those responses that sticks with me today is this:
Empathy is when someone walks alongside you, holding your hand, totally available to go where you go. That person wants to understand what you’re feeling and wants to feel a piece of it too. They are willing to share the burden with you. They are willing to fully allow their emotional resonance with you while staying in their own ground.
The trick is to find the middle line, the balance here. We don’t want to totally loose ourselves in our empathetic, emotional response. If I start sobbing while trying to be empathetic to my friend’s distress, then the tables turn and I’m no longer available to her. This happened to me once when being empathetic to a yoga student who’s dog had died…I started hysterically sobbing (oops!). He then started comforting me which, obviously, was not what I had intended.
On the other hand, we don’t want to be so closed off emotionally that we hardly feeling anything at all.
So let a little light in but not too much.
Using your body:
I do this using my body. I listen to the other person while tuning into my own physical sensations. If my reaction becomes quite strong, I take some deep breaths and feel my feet on the ground or bum on the chair. If my reaction is manageable, I may continue to hold it in my awareness while also tuning in to what I notice in the other person’s body (i.e. clenched fists, watery eyes, furrowed brow, hunched posture). It is this back and forth between awareness of my body and the other person’s body that gives me a grounded and accessible way to practice empathy.
Now, good people, go forth and judiciously practice empathy.
See what unfolds!